


Bite off more than you can chew and you'll choke.

by MissEcchi



Series: ML Crack [3]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adorable Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Adrinette, Comedy, Crack Fic, F/M, Identity Reveal, LadyNoir - Freeform, Protective Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, adrien vs lila, adrien your chat noir is showing, adrienette - Freeform, different to the usual lila fics, finale hasn't happened here, fuck the finale, hinted MariChat, if this doesn't make you laugh then i have failed as an author, it's half six in the morning i need to sleep, jacques the pigeon has some beef with lila, lila gets a shit ton of karma, post ladybug episode, ripperoni lila you aint gonna win against a lad who wields the power of destruction, subtle identity reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22314322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissEcchi/pseuds/MissEcchi
Summary: "But Lila cared more about the middle finger that Adrien shot at her when no one else was looking."To summarise, if you hurt the Ladybug, you can count on the Black Cat to absolutely annihilate you without mercy.A.K.A. A wonderful crackfic where Lila gets karma shoved up her ass by Adrien every time she tries to hurt Marinette.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe, Ivan Bruel/Mylène Haprèle
Series: ML Crack [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699078
Comments: 110
Kudos: 2536
Collections: Ladybug Fanfiction Archive, Miraculous, the power of love always so strong





	Bite off more than you can chew and you'll choke.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I'm having an affair with dumb bitch juice. 
> 
> Shhh.
> 
> Don't tell angst. 

**~(x)~**

**.**

**.**

**.**

  
"Heh, looking good~"   
  
The Italian teen winked to herself one last time at the mirror and then striked a pose that radiated pure confidence and clearly, a drop dead gorgeous Goddess that has ever descended this miserable planet. Luck was on her side today, lil ol' Rossi could feel it in her bones.  
  
_'Today is a wonderful day to knock down Dupain-Cheng a peg or two...'_ Lila hummed perversely, olive irises twinkling with mischief and sadism. She applied another coating of her favourite orange lip gloss and spritzed her body with some more pumpkin spice flavoured perfume (that was apparently a one of a kind DKNY product that the company themselves have gifted her, that's right Juleka).   
  
Digging out one of the hundreds of pictures she has of Adrien Agreste in her drawer, she planted a sloppy kiss on the face (lil hoe thinks she's being seductive smh smh), whispered something absolutely filthy and then made her way out of the house with a green apple in hand.  
  
As she walked, numerous plans and ideas were concocted up in her head whilst she happily chewed through the sour, bitter fruit that could compete with her own acidic heart. Certainly, her plans weren't going as smoothly as she'd like, given that not only has Marinette stood strong, Alya and Nino still stuck to the raven haired girl like glue and the model boy actually dared to _threaten_ her to withdraw Mari's expulsion.  
  
Of all people, _he_ threatened _her_!  
  
Who the _hell_ did he think _he_ is?  
  
He should be nothing but a _spineless_ pretty face, a decoration to her growing _fame_.  
  
_Ugh!_  
  
Shaking her head and refocusing her thoughts, Lila took one last, harsh bite from the fruit and then tossed it away without a second glance, hitting an unsuspecting rat with wings- _pigeon_ , an unsuspecting poor pigeon.  
  
Looks like M. Ramier will be akumatised later on if he ever sees the splat of feathers on the pavement.   
  
She didn't give a damn.  
  
Instead, a sinister, almost feral like smile stretched on the brunette's lips as she spotted her prey up ahead, sitting on the front steps that led to the collège. Quite a few passerbyers and students gave Marinette either a disappointed look or a disgusted grimace. Most pretty much ignored her, leaving the Asian bowing her head down in embarrassment, making herself look as small as possible.  
  
_'Like the useless mouse she is.'_ Lila barely held off the urge to giggle. After making Cheng look like such an evil cretin and even managing to get her _expelled_ , her reputation has almost been tarnished! Marinette went from one of the most popular, prettiest, kindest girl in school to the most conniving, horrible, wench in a matter of a day. She would have been gone forever had it not been for Adrien's stupid-  
  


**_SPLASH!!!!!_ **

No way.

No. Fucking. Way.

Lila gaped like a dead fish, unable to comprehend what had just happened as her once dry, stylish clothes dripped with dirty puddle water and the stench of dirt clung to her hair and skin. The now filthy looking teen snapped out of her stupor and glowered at the offending car that _DARED_ to zoom through the ginormous puddle only to gawk again when she registered the vehicle's familiarity.

Lila wasn't able to do more than budge an inch as a certain model stepped out of the car in front of the collège and lifted Marinette to her feet with his hand. He gave the petite girl a warm smile that only sickened the Italian girl to the core even further and when he interlaced his hand with Marinette's, leading her inside the building, Lila couldn't stop the ferocious growl from escaping her throat.

This was meant to be _HER_ day today. 

A fresh splatter on her head from up above proved otherwise. 

Her hand shot to her head, face twisted in a witch like grimace as slick, gooey slime coated her fingers and hair. Lila mustered up as much venom as she possibly could in her eyes, tilting her head up, only to see the very same pigeon that got hit by the apple, glare back.

Neither of the two noticed the wry smile that Adrien let out as he shielded a flustered Marinette inside the building...

~(x)~

Full classroom?

Check.

Mme. Bustier temporarily out of the room?

Check.

Dupain-Cheng opening her backpack whilst oblivious?

_Check._

Lila wiggled in her seat like a cat waiting to pounce on the mouse (not like those in cute youtube videos), eyes narrowing at the back of Marinette's head, awaiting for the right moment to act.

You see, earlier on, Lila planted one of Chloe's prized earrings (dumb barbie never learnt her lesson when it came to bringing family heirlooms to school) in Marinette's bag, planning on calling her out of stealing it to further crush her reputation into smithereens. Knowing Chloe and her illogical grudge against the girl, the consequences would be so much more worse for Marinette considering she's the mayor's daughter and all-

.

.

.

Wait...

_What?_

Lila blinked twice, thrice, then rubbed her eyes and blinked again. 

_'What in the world???'_

"O-ooooh! Who put this pretty flower in my bag?" Marinette twirled the lavender rose between her fingers in awe, admiring the beautiful plant with a cute blush on her cheeks. She gave the rose a sniff, cheeks glowing further as she hummed pleasantly. "It smells so nice!" Her smile was so disgustingly sweet, Lila could have sworn that the girl was radiating diabetes. 

Maybe she should pretend to faint and blame it on Marinette somehow? 

"Looks like you have a secret admirer, girl~ Did you know that lavender roses mean love at first sight?" Alya playfully poked Marinette's cheek, waggling her eyebrows whilst the rest of the girls in the class- sans Chloe, Sabrina and _of course_ Lila herself, gathered around their class president's table. Their coos and questions were deaf on the seething Italian's ears as she was hyper focused on Adrien's face.

The way his eyes lowered knowingly and his lips upturned into a secret but smug smile. The way his head tilted towards the side ever so slightly as he watched the French-Asian with so much... _love_.

Lila was close to throwing up in her mouth. 

_'So that little Prince was the one who replaced Chloe's earrings with that stupid flower...huh...has he caught on...?'_ Just as that thought passed through Lila's head, the sound of Chloe bragging about her new earrings filled up the room with the addition of Sabrina's praises. The brunette cocked an eyebrow, dissatisfied of her plan failing in ruining Marinette's life further and getting Adrien wrapped around her pinky, where he belongs. With a string of Italian curses muttered, Lila opened her bag and-

**"CHE CAZZO È!?"**

Lila launched the provocative bag away with another scream and when it landed on Kim's desk, dozens of spiders pooled out like a tidal wave, causing the athletic Vietnamese to jump up ten feet in the air with a high pitched yowl and that in turn created a mass panic in the classroom. 

"Ah- đéođéođéo- KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!" Kim let out another screech, forcing himself into a baffled Alix's arms as the spiders scattered whilst everyone else stood on their desks to avoid the wonderfully adorable critters. "LILA! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THOSE MONSTERS IN YOUR BAG!?" Kim cried out as soon as a shocked Mme. Bustier returned to the classroom. 

The red headed woman gawked at the floor and then grimaced before sending a stern look towards Lila, hands on her hips. Everyone in the class froze at her stance. 

"Lila, we know that you've just returned from a campaign to save a species of highly _venomous_ spiders from going extinct but that does not permit you in bringing them to school. You'll be on rubbish duty for the rest of this week and M. Damocles shall discuss with you later on for a more suitable punishment after that. Everyone else, please remain calm and carefully step out of the room."

The olive eyed brunette didn't get a chance to defend herself as everyone comically sped outside at a speed that would make even Sonic The Hedgehog jealous. Nino and Ivan were held piggy back style by their respective girlfriends whilst it took Alix, Max, Nathanael and Juleka to tear a petrified Kim off the wall (In turn, Rose held him bridal style as if he didn't weigh more than a feather). When she saw Marinette shyly grasp Adrien's hand to lead him out, Lila saw red and looked away before she did something she would regret. 

In amidst her internal monologue, she missed Adrien's dangerous smirk as his eyes glinted devilishly. The boy tightened his grip on Marinette's hand, much to the girl's surprise and delight whilst his kwami snickered in his blazer's inner pocket.

~(x)~

"Whoa!" Marinette let out a yelp, numerous files slipping out of her hands as she flailed her arms to regain balance. Unfortunately, she ended up tipping backwards towards the edge of the stairs much to Lila's entertainment. If she couldn't break Marinette's godforsaken will and reputation completely, a few bones or so should satisfy her ruthless heart-

"Marinette! Be careful!" With amazing speed, Adrien caught the girl from behind, interlocking his arms around her body in an iron grip without even wincing at the weight of her mass colliding with his chest. A few passerbyers, including Rossi herself observed the scene with incredulous expressions. 

The latter pissed at the stupid prince charming's bloody timing!

She didn't know what annoyed her more. The fact that her plan failed for the umpteenth time or the useless anime like tropes that seemed to play when it came to blonde boy and noir girl. 

"Ack! Thanks Adrien..." Marinette expected a simple _'No problem Mari,'_ from the boy but was taken aback by his malicious glare that was directed at the tanned girl before them. She couldn't help the squeak that escaped her when his grip tightened as he lead them up the stairs, standing a mere feet away from Lila. 

His hold on Cheng wavered between protective and possessive. 

Marinette found it _kinda hot_.

"You know, we have bins for a reason _Rossi_. Be sure to chuck your litter away or else _someone_ could get hurt." His voice was gravelly and alarmingly low, indicating who would really get harmed in the situation. 

Lila hated the way her blood chilled to ice and the unpleasant shivers that shook her spine before mustering the energy to plaster an innocent smile instead of running away. 

"Oops. Silly me," She bent down to pick up the can she conveniently dropped earlier on, causing Marinette to trip in the first place. "My arthritis has been acting up all day-"

"And I painted the Mona Lisa, yeah, whatever." Marinette and Lila, both only close enough to hear, widened their eyes at Adrien's passive aggressive tone. Without wasting another second, the boy tugged Marinette along, heading away from the scowling Italian. The sickening duo seemed to get closer and closer every second, causing Lila's blood to burn with rage.

  
"He's definitely caught on...that boy is more slippery and sneaky than I thought...as expected of the _son_ of Gabriel Agreste." Lila growled severely, crushing the can in her grip-

**_SPEW!_**

Oh.

The can was never empty from the start.

Steam figuratively shot out of her ears as the fizzy drink dripped down her hair, face and clothes, smearing her layers upon layers of caked makeup that took her hours to do this morning- _after_ she went back home to shower and changed into fresh clothes when she was soaked by that dirty puddle, courtesy of Adrien's fucking car!

 _'GAME ON AGRESTE.'_

~(x)~

Lila planted that wretched goose- _pigeon_ , that wretched _pigeon_ in Marinette's locker, anticipating a commotion or SOMETHING. However, when the unsuspecting girl, accompanied by her trio of friends, opened said locker, there was no pigeon.

Instead, out popped out a ridiculously cute, handmade Chat Noir doll. According to Marinette's and Alya's babbles, it's a doll that the former has made ever since the pathetic heroes of Paris made their debut.

"But how did it get here? I don't recall bringing it in with me today," Yes, Lila also wanted to know how the _FUCK_ that cursed plush appeared out of thin air. It certainly wasn't there when she shoved the feathered pterodactyl in.

"Maybe you brought it with you by accident?" Nino quipped. "Didn't you have that phase back in école where you'd always bring a teddy that you slept with for company?" 

"WEDONOTTALKABOUTTHAT." Marinette retorted back with gritted teeth, slamming her locker door for emphasis but the way she hugged the Chat Noir doll protectively afterwards did little to intimidate the bespeckled boy. In fact, much to Lila's disgust, the trio melted at Marinette's obviously fake cuteness.

Unbelievable!

Where did that pigeon go anyways!?

Never peeling her eyes away from the nauseating quad, Lila snatched the door of her locker open, grinding her teeth-

_**"COO!!!"**_

...only to be attacked by a flurry of feathers and a sharp beak. 

This time, whilst she, along with a _'helpful'_ Alya and Nino managed to rip the bedeviled thing off her face, Lila caught a shit-eating grin on Adrien's lips as he watched her suffer without a word. 

_'That little BASTARD! He did this to me!'_

Rolling his eyes as if Lila was nothing but a three year old throwing a tantrum, he threw an arm around Marinette's shoulder who looked more confused than anything. 

"What is Jacques doing here?" Lila almost scoffed at the Asian's question. That failure of a bird has a _name_? And familiarised with Marinette _no less_? No wonder he was currently a bitch and half in her ass! No one answered Mari's question regardless. Though surely, that sinister cat of a model held the answer.

"I'm more curious of whether you sleep with that little Chat doll or not, Marinette~" He teased, much to Lila's dismay and Marinette's embarrassment. Alya and Nino momentarily forgot about the clearly traumatised Lila, simply to join in with the jesting.

"N-N-NO! HAHA- what a silly question Adrien!" Marinette slapped the teen's shoulder with a bit more oomph than the usual friendly slaps, cheeks reddening and eyes flickering to the side. 

"She can't go to sleep without it~" Alya confessed on her best friend's behalf, glasses twinkling impishly at Mari's cry of _"Traitor!"_. "One time when she was at mine for a sleepover, she forgot to bring _Petit Noir_ along and stayed awake _all_ night without his presence. She's so pure, isn't she?" Marinette was left as a blushy, squealing mess as the rest of her friends chuckled fondly.

If it wasn't frowned upon in this country, Rossi would have gladly kicked them all out the window one by one till their sorry necks snapped but even she had _some_ sort of control.

"Adorable, absolutely adorable." This time, Lila did throw up in her mouth as Adrien swept Marinette up into a bone crushing hug with the most disgusting look of _'love'_ tattooed on his face. The hazel eyed brunette stormed out of the locker room with a growl, deaf to Alya's questioning shouts of her name. 

She was going to TEAR that boy apart from limb to limb!

Adrien's grin only grew at her departure, _daring_ the idiotic girl to try and pull another stunt again.

~(x)~

During a photoshoot that Lila was assigned to model at, every time she attempted to inappropriately run her hands down Adrien's torso or shoulders, she ended up getting bitten by _god knows what_.

The more she tried, the harder the bites were and towards the end, the shoot was cancelled as her skin was covered in tiny little bite marks that resembled wasp stings or even a terrible allergic reaction. 

The horrid girl never noticed the tiny God of Destruction that lingered nearby his chosen who in turn delivered a little fistbump to his precious friend with a smile far too saccharine to be innocent. 

~(x)~

Just before their French lesson began, Lila staged a scene by crying out in pain when shoving her hand in her bag and _'finding'_ multitudes of sewing needles in them. Surely the class would turn their heads towards Dupain-Cheng with animosity as she claimed that Marinette must have sabotaged her bag that day. 

Instead, much to her surprise, the majority of the class defended her with an alibi.

"But M. Dupain and Mme. Cheng hid away all her sewing stuff for the rest of the month so that Marinette could concentrate for the upcoming exams!" Gee thanks Rose.

"Marinette was at mine's yesterday night to study and sleepover so there's no way that she did that," Godammit Alya.

"I'm pretty sure 'Nette's needles are silver in colour, not bronze." Shut up Lahiffe.

"She would panic if she steps on an ant, how could she hurt a person?" Really Alix? _Really_?

"Marinette and I were stuck in the closet all break so there's no way she's managed to sabotage your bag, Lila." Agreste- do you _even know_ what you're _implying_ here? 

To summarise, the case was neutralised with a theory that one of the textile upperclassmen students must have accidently put a container of needles in her bag, thinking it belonged to the department. 

But Lila cared more about the middle finger that Adrien shot at her when no one else was looking.

~(x)~

Lila tried tripping Marinette again but this time, she was caught by the Japanese fencer girl who _'politely'_ thwacked Lila's knees with her foil and told her to get out of her class.

That ice queen never left Marinette's side for the rest of the day.

When Marinette arrived to the morning classes with a disturbingly gorgeous, sheer white sundress in hand, babbling about how she was going to alter it after the exams to her friends, _of course_ Lila gave into temptation by altering it herself. By altering, she meant smothering the skirt of the dress with _non washable_ red paint. 

Marinette returned to the afternoon classes wearing the dress _but_ with the red stains magically transformed into a flawless gradient and decorated with faux red rose petals on the edge of the skirt and the tip of the bust. The poor Italian was rewarded with the grand scene of Adrien claiming out loud how _'beautiful'_ his _'Princess'_ looked without shame and twirling her around in the air. 

Next, Lila somehow snuck a snake out from the zoo (getting bitten a million times and even throttled at one point by said creature) and secretly let it loose at the Dupain-Cheng bakery when she was only _'looking around'_. The snake ended up getting its own tank and promoted the bakery, increasing the numbers of customers because surprise surprise, it's the year of the snake according to the Lunar calendar and everyone saw that slimy creature as a symbol of good luck! M. Césaire let the family keep the snake.

Marinette named him Aspik much to Adrien's ambiguous delight but then changed it to Viperion when the boy accidentally tore apart her favourite ball of yarn. ( _"Little bug how could you do this to me!?"_ )

Lila even tried to start a rumour going where she apparently witnessed Marinette kissing a strange, delinquent after hours in creepy alleyways and got a little frisky with him.

Adrien turned that around on her by asking why she was spying on _him_ and Marinette, both wearing scarves that poorly concealed their ravaged necks. The rest of the day was spent with students gossiping about the new developments of _'Project Adrienette'_ and suddenly the despicable duo were dating. The rest of the students and teachers decided to switch to Lila as a target to send their scrutinising eyes at.

It took Lila twenty-four hours of staring at a blank wall to digest the fact that she unintentionally nudged those two together in her pursuit of destroying them both. Twenty four hours of gaping with dead eyes and not moving a muscle whilst her phone buzzed with the latest gossip on Adrien and Marinette. 

An immediate news report on Ladybug grabbing Chat Noir into a heated kiss after an akuma battle that almost sent them running for their money, confirming their relationship broke Lila out of her daze and left her screaming inside her house.

~(x)~

The classroom door slammed open, revealing a dishevelled, crude looking Lila Rossi, heaving for air like she's just ran around the world in twelve days. Her hair was dirty, greasy and stuck in ways that defied physics. Her clothes were torn, stained and slick with unnamed substances. Her face was covered in stings, scratches and red marks that ruined her usually flawless make up.

Clearly, a drop dead gorgeous Goddess that has ever descended this miserable planet.

The students paused whatever they were doing, curious and slightly concerned at the state of the Italian's exterior. Lila let out an animalistic growl, pointing a finger at Adrien Agreste who paid no mind to her and carried on reading his book whilst Marinette Dupain-Cheng slumbered away peacefully in his lap.

"I don't know how you did it or what dark magic you played on me or what voodoo dolls you have been using, but you'll never get away with humiliating me! Both of you!" Everyone's eyes widened at Lila's desperate and frustrated tone, now facing the boy bearing the brunt of her bite.

Much to Rossi's screaming irritation, Adrien only flipped a page of his book with a hum like someone has just asked him whether he'd like some sugar with his tea. 

"STOP ACTING DUMB AGRESTE! I KNOW IT'S YOU WHO TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE!" This time, she received eye contact from the boy. Instead of retaliating back, he put a finger on his lips and-

... _shushed_ her.

She was going to fucking **KILL HIM**.

"My Marinette has pulled two all nighters in a row for the exam we just had this morning- _which you missed by the way_. So, she's sleeping right now. If you have some respect, keep it down." His tone was polite, sophisticated and angelic and his face was softened into the most sweetest smile.

A front for the devilish cackle and demonic smirk that was threatening to burst out the seams of his fake exterior and Lila was able to sense it with ease. She didn't get a chance to yell back as Chloe suddenly interrupted.

"And what has my Adrikins done to you? Other than get brainwashed by that ridiculous rat and start dating her of course," The blonde pursed her pastel lips, ignoring Adrien's comments on _'I'm not your Adrikins,'_ and _'Stop being mean to my sweet girlfriend,'_ and whatever nonsense he was spouting.

"Oh wow...hahah...where do I start?" The hysteric girl began, blind to everyone else's distressed gaze at her behaviour. "The spiders? The pins? The ghost bites? That damn ugly bird that can't seem to find another place other than my head to SHIT ON!?" The object of her hate only raised a brow in confusion. "YOU'RE BEHIND IT ALL! I KNOW IT'S YOU!" 

"...Lila, were you bitten by those spiders that you were protecting during your campaign like a week ago? I think you need to see a doctor." Was the reply she got from Adrien before he went back to his book. "Also, this book mentions that being pooped on by a bird is a sign of good luck! Maybe you'll have a good fortune coming your way after you get better, Lila~" 

The baffled girl stared back grotesquely, jaw dropped and eye twitching, unable to comprehend the Adrien Agreste before her right now. 

She didn't even protest as Rose and Juleka hauled her flat ass out of the class, to the nurse's room, debating whether or not to call the ambulance for the mad girl. 

_'What...The...Actual...FUCK!?'_

~(x)~

  
After the classroom door was closed, leaving behind a questioning class, a cat hero fighting the urge to burst out laughing and a bug heroine stirring awake. 

"Hmm...what happened Chaton?" Marinette hummed out, still half asleep and she nuzzled against the hand that cupped her cheek. Adrien replied with a genuine, soft smile full of love and a bit of his feline mischievousness. 

"I'll tell you later, Bug. Get some sleep, okay?" He pressed a chaste kiss on her lips, gaining a brilliant smile in return as Marinette settled back to sleep, relishing the way his fingers combed through her bobbleless hair. 

_'Mission accomplished, Plagg,'_ Adrien mused to himself, winking at his kwami who peered out of his bag whilst Tikki shook her head at her counterpart; albeit with more love than anger.

The boy dived back into his book, tuning out the discussions that the rest of his friends were sharing regarding the impertinent wench that was just gotten rid of. Hopefully, they won't be seeing her for a very long time. Jacques the pigeon would be delighted in making sure of that. After all:

_If you hurt the Ladybug, you can count on the Black Cat to absolutely annihilate you without mercy..._

.

.

.

 **~(x)~**

* * *

**_  
_**

**_Dictionary_**

 **'** **đéo'** \- Vietnamese for _'fuck no!'_

 **'che cazzo** **è'** \- Italian for _'What the fuck is this?'_

* * *

**A/N: It's 6am. I've been trying to finish this damn thing since 12am.**

 **N I G H T.**


End file.
